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I miss him even though I know I shouldnt.

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I have no idea how i feel right now. My feelings are all over the place like a puzzle with it's pieces scattered all over. I just can't get past this. I know I have disappointed a lot of people and I know that I have messed up but I don't know how to fix it. I try to smile everyday and think about how lucky I am that I have a loving family and great friends but it's so hard. I love my parents more than anything in the world and to see how much I hurt them was awful. I never want to see that again. and thats why i'm so confused on what to do.